Just this morning I received an email from a client who had been a student on a recent iteration of the online course The Edge that I run with James Tusk and Les Thomas. In it, the student explained how the course had been of great benefit to him and how far he had come since he’d begun. Among his successes, he listed:

• Getting a better job

• Increasing his income

• Finding a great local hairdresser!

Now, while none of these things is inherently bad, they have very little to do with the actual intention of the course, which is to help me develop ‘edge’ (i.e. a masculine and attractive essence) to help them gain greater success with attractive women.

OK, to be fair, making more money and ensuring you look good are a part of that process since these things should increase the inherent personal value of the individual involved.

But at no point in his email did he mention anything about having better social skills, bringing new women into his life, dating or anything else.

In other words, he had done the ‘easy’ parts - or at least, those parts which men fear less than putting themselves on the line and actually going up to a real-life woman and making their desire for her known at the risk of rejection.

As I’ve said many times before, there is nothing wrong with self-improvement. In fact, it is essential. Self-improvement is at the centre of everything I teach because, as Mark Manson said, ‘the only real dating advice is self-development’.

Think about it like this. You are the product, and you are seeking to sell that product to your ideal customer (a woman). ‘Game’, social skills (or whatever you want to call it) is the marketing.

Now, make no mistake - marketing is extremely important. Social skills and the ability to flirt are not optional. They are central to any man’s success in the dating arena. This is why we attract a great many clients who are multimillionaires, decent-looking and in good shape who nevertheless fail to enjoy the romantic lives they would like.

The ‘product’ they offer might be good - exceptional even - but if the marketing is lacklustre then they will be sidelined and ignored. Or worse, they may attract a subpar woman who is motivated by money or status or some other peripheral quality and who doesn’t have their best interests at heart.

In fact, this is a big problem for many relatively inexperienced men (those with perhaps one failed marriage behind them, or even a lifetime of patchy ‘dating’ and few long-term relationships). They are prey. Clueless dudes who can find themselves subject to the machinations of women lacking in good intentions.

But the central point here is, if you are going to take a course to help you get better with women and you fail to take action towards that specific goal then what the hell are you doing?

Again, self-improvement for its own sake is laudable and to be encouraged. But let’s not kid ourselves. Most heterosexual men crave reciprocal and passionate relationships with women. Doing the bare minimum to achieve that is cowardly and means you risk an unfulfilled life full of regret.

(This is not to say that you won’t have regrets if you get into a long-term relationship either, but that’s for another article.)

A big problem we encounter with clients is that they don’t appear to have a strong enough ‘why’ when they want to get better in this area. Yes, they may pay lip-service to the idea of wanting a girlfriend, wife or whatever.

But their desire simply isn’t strong enough. It can’t be. Because when you really want something as though your life depends on it then you will work tirelessly to make it happen. You will leave no stone unturned. You will take incredible risks to get what you want.

And if that drive isn’t there then there’s a problem.

It might perhaps be something hormonal. Men’s libido falls after about the age of 30 or so, which is naturally going to take a toll on your drive. Which is why I’ve been talking more about hormonal optimisation over the past year or so.

But even that may not be sufficient.

The truth is that the modern world has made us soft. Ineffectual slaves to our smartphones, afraid to even speak to those around us for fear of . . . what? Social ostracisation? In fact, the risks of this are incredibly low, especially if you live in a big city (which you really should if you want to level up fully).

The stark reality is that if you decide your dating life is substandard and you want to improve it then you MUST be prepared to put the work in - even if that means a few awkward and even painful situations along the way.

Otherwise you will remain in a prison of your own making.

The good news is that you hold the keys to your freedom and new life.

The bad news is that you hold the keys, and only you have the power to decide to use them.

A decision you might find yourself putting off indefinitely.

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